I'm back..

..and I'll be updating some time soon. Lol, I guess nobody reads this anymore..but still..I will update this for myself.

I missed you spaghetti monster :] And you guys too.

Lots of love

blogger is not letting me reply to your blogs. UUGGHH :/

Guess what?

...I'm alive. Kinda.

I'm sick of studying. I have been studying all my life and I will be.
But hey...that is what I want.

..one day..I will be a brain surgeon. Or cardio. Or...there is time, a lot of time I guess.

Anyways, graduation exams are finally finished. School exams had been finished, in May, lol. But, now the hardest and most important exams are waiting for me. Ugh.. :/

J. Lo.
...shut up.

I'll catch up..when everything passes.

22:05 pm Instead of revising an studying I'm here.

embryology.
evolution.
ecology.
genetics.
histology. 

..........................................
I have 22 days left until my exam. 


..........................................
If I fail, I will probably get depressed, cut and maybe die..idk.
If i get in, I will..........eat more? 
...............................................


I have to get in, I want it..too much. So much. 
.............................................


I was ugly on my prom. And fat. I wish you could all see pictures, but because of the privacy thing I wont post anything here. 






I'll get back..hope with great news, me being accepted in university.

..I will write something soon, read all the blogs I follow..until then...

...I just want to purge.

Nothing more..nothing less...

purgepurgepurgepurgepurge..urge..

I have an urge to purge.

...ok..I feel a bit embarrassed...I know I said I will catch up with blogs..well, I rapped them with comments. Oopsie :]

I'm back. :]

..yes, it's true, I'm back. I decided to write down something. It's hard you know. I really miss blogging and PT..lol even facebook. I feel bad that I don't have enough time to reply everyone on time.
But I hope this fuss around school, graduation and prom will soon disappear.

What have I been doing? ..let's see..on Wednesday, grandfather's funeral was held. I didn't cry. I couldn't. My eyes were full of tears only when I saw my father cry, but somehow I managed to keep everything inside. I was better later.
Afternoon, around 06 pm I came home and revised and studied a bit.  Then I watched the TV. Before that, I don't remember watching television for a while.

Thursday went OK. I actually took a trip to B. with my mum, in hope to find something for prom. I hate that city. It's too big and gray. I felt dirty and sad.
I did found a dress in ZARA. Ugh..I dislike it but I bought it because I was so sick of looking for something. I have been in couple more cities with bigger malls and clothing stores and somehow I couldn't found anything. I was looking for a plain simple dress, something white or gray or even blue. A combination of all three would be perfect. I even wanted those high waste baggy pants, but the sales lady and mum said it looks horrible on me.
It looked perfect, but the dress I bought was more expensive which automatically made the sales lady say it looks better on me. And mum fell for it. I was angry but after walking and trying on different types of clothing for 5 hours I got pissed, went to the changing room and started crying in all my anger. Then I came out and said I will take it. It's fucking orange. I hate that color. It's disgusting.
I bought shoes, they are nice and comfortable. Brownish/orange. But I can wear them with anything. I thought about buying another pair of shoes, maybe dark blue and a small dark blue hat. That way I could combine them with this dress and would look decent.
Thankfully, the morning ceremony lasts only 3 hours, so after that, I will never wear it again.

As for the night ceremony, I found a picture and decided to take it to a seamstress. It's black, simple cut and short few inches above my knee. I will wear that dress with some funky/colorful dress and purse.

This is the dress:

Then came Saturday. My school organized a trip, and those who went came back home Saturday night, around 10 pm.
I didn't go. Lots of people didn't go. It was impossible to afford 6 days of relaxing and traveling when I had to study and revise. I didn't want to go. It's better (for me at least) to prepare and study. If ( when ;] ) I get into uni, I will travel as much as I can. But, first things first.
Back to the story...
A friend came back, and she and I meat up. She was talking how beautiful everything was and she even mentioned him, he said something irrelevant about me. Nothing bad, but it was nice to know he thought about me.

Then, on Sunday- Labor Day, we had a party. At that friend's place. He was there, I was there..few more friends were there. BUT, we didn't talk..not a word. Apparently, it was my fault.
I was late to the party, I arrived there around 10:30 pm, because before it, I went to my best friend, where she, another friend and I had a small party. Nothing special, casual, coffee, cigarettes, cards and long talks, laughter.
So, I arrived late, last one actually, and I didn't even put my things down when everyone started approaching to say hi. Everyone except him, because he was busy talking with his friend...whom I despise.
I didn't even notice until my friend came up to me and said I didn't say hi to him. She asked him do we talk and he said that he talks with me, but (and I quote) : "...apparently, she's not talking with me again".
And, this may sound stupid, but that pissed me off....

(I never really wrote here anything about him and myself or our relationship (if that can be called that way), so this may sound confusing and childish, but considering everything, that I didn't mentioned here, my reaction was justified.)

....because, once again, it's my fault that we are not talking, it's my fault that all those things happened, that we didn't talked for almost 6 months.

But it's not my fault. Just because I did not notice him, that doesn't mean I'm angry or something. But that's the problem with him. He always thinks I'm angry if I don't answer him or idk..whatever. I don't even get why does he bother when he is not attracted to me. I am the one who likes him, not the other way around.

Also, it's not like we didn't talked at all. We did. I said I hate his new hair cut, but that I love his jumper. We also talked about music a bit. But for the rest of the night I was all around the place with my friends, laughing, drinking and dancing, while he was in another room talking to others. I don't know if he expected that I will be all around him. Also, his friend was there...I can't stand him..so he is also another reason why I didn't talked to him.

I hate that he always tries to make me feel responsable for our relationship. We stopped speaking because of him and his attitude, because of the hings he said about me. ......

aaaaaaaa, never mind. I'm not talking to him again. I have left two more weeks until graduation and then I will never see him again. I am moving away, he is moving away..so I fucked him off. I don't need him or any other male in my life. I'm good on my own..for now at least.

......................

ED wise...I'm purging every shit I put in my mouth. Idk..nothing really changed..except that things might got worse. But I gained..or lost..I go up and down constantly.

........................

School started..that means even less time. Ugh.

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Yaay, I have new followers. I will use this post to say hi to everyone and that I will catch up with your blogs now. Seriously, I will. :]]]]]]]]]]

Finally..

I decided to write something. I haven't blogged in ages, but I do have thing to write about. Usual stuff, but still...it's 09:00 am now, and I will start my writing from the party I went to.

So, on the part, which was held on 16th April, I think, everything was great. Haha, I didn't get so drunk but I had fun. Probably because everything was great with him. We talked and cuddled :] And he started everything, which is even better, since I said I don't want to start anything. I promised myself I show him how I don't care anymore..well, I failed in that after that night, but..ah well, who cares? The best part about that is that he wasn't drunk at all.

The next week, passed well. Lot of studying and revising, but hopefully that will pass too..soon, since in a few weeks I'm finishing school. My breaks started last friday, and I still don't have enough time for blogging and PT. Anyways, again about him. I thought that we won't even talk that week, since, it's how we function. We do something like that on the part, and don't talk for ages after it...ignoring each other and stuff. But, we talked. He is all around me again - talking and touching my hair, smiling, he even invited me to see his play that he prepared.

Since the breaks started and last for 12 days, I won't be seeing him..which is great. I will distant from him and don't get my hopes up as I always do.


I guy from my class hugged me, and said that each time he hugs me, I get smaller and thinner..ah, well guess what Sherlock, I gained...again -.-



My grandfather died this Saturday, so we haven't had a proper Ester. I'm said, but he was too sick..it's better for him. I cried just a bit...the funeral is held on Wednesday.


Also, I'll catch up with everyone's blog as soon as possible..probably later today.