To a friend of mine...

...It's interesting how easy it gets to forget who betrayed you once, yet, it's so hard to remember who was beside you in the saddest, most difficult and prettiest moments in life.

But I have learnt my mistake two years ago. I'm not stupid nor a doormat to be treated like this.
So, good luck with your life sweetie, and leave me alone.

Lots of love.

I have fixed my wisdom tooth. Yes, finally. After 2 nights of crying, screaming and being on sleeping pills and pain killers. ...The other one is yet to fix, but all in time. Surprisingly, the dentist said that I do have a bit weak teeth because of the acid, but they are still pretty and basically healthy. Ha, score! At least, something pretty on me. :]

I had a huge fight with my parents three hours ago, about my disorder of course. I just hate how they don't care for a while, and then turn all lunatic and scream and yell. I don't care, what angers me most actually, is that mum had her own problems too. Someone should expect that she would be the first one to understand. ...never mind.

I have been stressing out about a friend lately too. She is just annoying, asking about tips, calorie amounts and exercising, and when I told her that she looks like shit and that I really am worried about her health, she blew me off.
She said "You are the last one to talk" ...lol..well, that's a last I'm helping her. I don't have the time, nor nerves nor health to worry about a stubborn bitch who cannot appreciate my help and who will blew me off every time I try to warn her.

Lol, I sound like a heartless idk what. But hey, it's life. I don't need her around to make me feel even worse, to make me fall even deeper.
I'm sorry, but I think that sometimes we should all think about our butts first, and then others.


Shannice, if you read this: I love you. Non of those words were true. If I ever come to England, that someone should beware. Haha :] Just please, remember that there are loads of us who love and care about you, who know that that is not true. I love you massively and I miss you. <3

..more, more, more and more. It's never enough. And it always hurts in the end.

That smile hurts more then all you have said to me.

fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.

I don't want to go to school. Everyone will see how fat I am.

fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.

..my thighs are huge. I was wondering. It would be nice if I could die now. I wouldn't have to worry about me being fat anymore.

The coffin would break. No, I cannot die. That would be embarrassing. I shall continue living like this.

fat.fat.fat...



Shannice- Hah, yeah I was mad when while writing that. But I'm fine now :] 

idiots.

I am so pissed off right now.

I hate ignorant people acting all smart more then I hate ignorance itself. 

For fuck sake if your friend had to go to IP, even though her height and weight weren't THAT much low, that doesn't mean that she's a fake.
You are higher and had a lower weight and been only to OP? Well I have a piece of information for you.
Every body works differently. And THIS is not a competition. I am sick,you are sick, she is sick. We are all sick, why is so important for you to be sickER?
Her body probably went to survival mode, and her doctors probably concluded that the best treatment for her IS IP.
I am 5'4" and was 84lbs when I had to go to IP.

Am I a bloody fake?

Oh, pardon me, I am...never mind my three suicide attempt, my eating disorder that has been going on for 8 years now. If a fucking paper is what you need, and if I have to show you a fucking paper just so that I would prove to YOU that I am not faking any of it...well guess what? I HAVE THAT PAPER.

I want to punch somebody in the face...asfdgsghajkhykja.



I don't even know why these things affect me so much. At least I can continue live in piece now.
Hah, and yeah...a little voice in my head was shouting while writing this.

You clearly are my friend. Future roommates.

Is it my fault that I hardly trust anyone? I'm just afraid that I'll get hurt over and over again.
I love talking to you, how we understand each other, laughing, gossiping, being mean and drunk. You are basically like my sister. But there is that feeling that I still can't trust you completely. I'm afraid...I have never had a friend like you, I have never had a friend so long as you.
What if one day you stab me in my back? ....idk. Stupid paranoia.

Today is good.
I cleaned the kitchen and the living room. Now I will tidy my room, and study then.
Have been on pt the entire morning. I wanted to leave this as an open post, but naah..

Reality check.

I was getting ready to go out, and looked at myself.
My reflection was disgusting.
There was I, a pale, disgusting skeleton.
I never saw myself like that before. I was thin, bag of skin and bones. No fat, nothing.

I looked away. I feel like a hippo now, but when I look in the mirror, there is no fat.

Is that really how I look? It hurts.

I posted this as a blog entry on PT, but deleted it.
Why would anybody care how I feel or look? There's no need for me to post these thing there.

I feel like a baby. Needing food every minute.

Boring day today.

I have to study now...English..and then home reading. Biology. Chemistry. Sociology.

..today's philosophy class was fun. We did John Locke and F. Bacon.

..I ate too much again. Die.

He actually smiled at me today..on history I think..maybe because nobody was looking. Maybe he got bored.
3 pages about the Abraham Lincoln.

As for my friends...I cannot, no, I refuse to think about that.
I hate how she always looks at my legs. Fat, I know.

..never mind..

I'll post someday soon.

And I changed the design again.

I was reading my older blog posts and had to delete them. That was embarrassing.

....Maybe sometimes is better not to have friends. Then, you don't get hurt. You are alone, you always feel like that, but you get used to it. It becomes an everyday feeling.
But there isn't that risk of being betrayed or laughed at.

I know they talk about me...which makes it even more weird. I also know that they suspect. Great friends, huh?

There is an "end" in every "friend".
Is this our end?
Is it even worth of trying?

...at least they can do is to confront me. I'm paranoid about them though. I have this feeling that they are making up this master plan against me. ...Foolish me...but, what if? Spreading lies, rumors and stuff.
It's not like I have been a saint. It's not like I never talked about them, even just a bit.

This is what I get for trusting people, and letting somebody get too close.
Fuck this.

Telling a secret to someone you know is as foolish as trusting in a stranger.

I'm alone in this.
I want to be left alone.

Have I reached the bottom of a 12 year old child who is hiding besides her baggy clothes?
I'm just selfish.
I haven't been doing anything these past 8 days.

I'll continue enjoying my boring life that consist only from partying and alcohol.
I have to stop this.

Take a deep breath L, and start fresh.
You have your dreams to achieve.

...yeah...whatever..