..and I'll be updating some time soon. Lol, I guess nobody reads this anymore..but still..I will update this for myself.
I missed you spaghetti monster :] And you guys too.
Lots of love
Monday, October 17, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Guess what?
...I'm alive. Kinda.
I'm sick of studying. I have been studying all my life and I will be.
But hey...that is what I want.
..one day..I will be a brain surgeon. Or cardio. Or...there is time, a lot of time I guess.
Anyways, graduation exams are finally finished. School exams had been finished, in May, lol. But, now the hardest and most important exams are waiting for me. Ugh.. :/
J. Lo.
...shut up.
I'll catch up..when everything passes.
22:05 pm Instead of revising an studying I'm here.
embryology.
evolution.
ecology.
genetics.
histology.
..........................................
I have 22 days left until my exam.
..........................................
If I fail, I will probably get depressed, cut and maybe die..idk.
If i get in, I will..........eat more?
...............................................
I have to get in, I want it..too much. So much.
.............................................
I was ugly on my prom. And fat. I wish you could all see pictures, but because of the privacy thing I wont post anything here.
I'll get back..hope with great news, me being accepted in university.
I'm sick of studying. I have been studying all my life and I will be.
But hey...that is what I want.
..one day..I will be a brain surgeon. Or cardio. Or...there is time, a lot of time I guess.
Anyways, graduation exams are finally finished. School exams had been finished, in May, lol. But, now the hardest and most important exams are waiting for me. Ugh.. :/
J. Lo.
...shut up.
I'll catch up..when everything passes.
22:05 pm Instead of revising an studying I'm here.
embryology.
evolution.
ecology.
genetics.
histology.
..........................................
I have 22 days left until my exam.
..........................................
If I fail, I will probably get depressed, cut and maybe die..idk.
If i get in, I will..........eat more?
...............................................
I have to get in, I want it..too much. So much.
.............................................
I was ugly on my prom. And fat. I wish you could all see pictures, but because of the privacy thing I wont post anything here.
I'll get back..hope with great news, me being accepted in university.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
..I will write something soon, read all the blogs I follow..until then...
...I just want to purge.
Nothing more..nothing less...
purgepurgepurgepurgepurge..urge..
I have an urge to purge.
Nothing more..nothing less...
purgepurgepurgepurgepurge..urge..
I have an urge to purge.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
I'm back. :]
..yes, it's true, I'm back. I decided to write down something. It's hard you know. I really miss blogging and PT..lol even facebook. I feel bad that I don't have enough time to reply everyone on time.
But I hope this fuss around school, graduation and prom will soon disappear.
What have I been doing? ..let's see..on Wednesday, grandfather's funeral was held. I didn't cry. I couldn't. My eyes were full of tears only when I saw my father cry, but somehow I managed to keep everything inside. I was better later.
Afternoon, around 06 pm I came home and revised and studied a bit. Then I watched the TV. Before that, I don't remember watching television for a while.
Thursday went OK. I actually took a trip to B. with my mum, in hope to find something for prom. I hate that city. It's too big and gray. I felt dirty and sad.
I did found a dress in ZARA. Ugh..I dislike it but I bought it because I was so sick of looking for something. I have been in couple more cities with bigger malls and clothing stores and somehow I couldn't found anything. I was looking for a plain simple dress, something white or gray or even blue. A combination of all three would be perfect. I even wanted those high waste baggy pants, but the sales lady and mum said it looks horrible on me.
It looked perfect, but the dress I bought was more expensive which automatically made the sales lady say it looks better on me. And mum fell for it. I was angry but after walking and trying on different types of clothing for 5 hours I got pissed, went to the changing room and started crying in all my anger. Then I came out and said I will take it. It's fucking orange. I hate that color. It's disgusting.
I bought shoes, they are nice and comfortable. Brownish/orange. But I can wear them with anything. I thought about buying another pair of shoes, maybe dark blue and a small dark blue hat. That way I could combine them with this dress and would look decent.
Thankfully, the morning ceremony lasts only 3 hours, so after that, I will never wear it again.
As for the night ceremony, I found a picture and decided to take it to a seamstress. It's black, simple cut and short few inches above my knee. I will wear that dress with some funky/colorful dress and purse.
This is the dress:
Then came Saturday. My school organized a trip, and those who went came back home Saturday night, around 10 pm.
I didn't go. Lots of people didn't go. It was impossible to afford 6 days of relaxing and traveling when I had to study and revise. I didn't want to go. It's better (for me at least) to prepare and study. If ( when ;] ) I get into uni, I will travel as much as I can. But, first things first.
Back to the story...
A friend came back, and she and I meat up. She was talking how beautiful everything was and she even mentioned him, he said something irrelevant about me. Nothing bad, but it was nice to know he thought about me.
Then, on Sunday- Labor Day, we had a party. At that friend's place. He was there, I was there..few more friends were there. BUT, we didn't talk..not a word. Apparently, it was my fault.
I was late to the party, I arrived there around 10:30 pm, because before it, I went to my best friend, where she, another friend and I had a small party. Nothing special, casual, coffee, cigarettes, cards and long talks, laughter.
So, I arrived late, last one actually, and I didn't even put my things down when everyone started approaching to say hi. Everyone except him, because he was busy talking with his friend...whom I despise.
I didn't even notice until my friend came up to me and said I didn't say hi to him. She asked him do we talk and he said that he talks with me, but (and I quote) : "...apparently, she's not talking with me again".
And, this may sound stupid, but that pissed me off....
(I never really wrote here anything about him and myself or our relationship (if that can be called that way), so this may sound confusing and childish, but considering everything, that I didn't mentioned here, my reaction was justified.)
....because, once again, it's my fault that we are not talking, it's my fault that all those things happened, that we didn't talked for almost 6 months.
But it's not my fault. Just because I did not notice him, that doesn't mean I'm angry or something. But that's the problem with him. He always thinks I'm angry if I don't answer him or idk..whatever. I don't even get why does he bother when he is not attracted to me. I am the one who likes him, not the other way around.
Also, it's not like we didn't talked at all. We did. I said I hate his new hair cut, but that I love his jumper. We also talked about music a bit. But for the rest of the night I was all around the place with my friends, laughing, drinking and dancing, while he was in another room talking to others. I don't know if he expected that I will be all around him. Also, his friend was there...I can't stand him..so he is also another reason why I didn't talked to him.
I hate that he always tries to make me feel responsable for our relationship. We stopped speaking because of him and his attitude, because of the hings he said about me. ......
aaaaaaaa, never mind. I'm not talking to him again. I have left two more weeks until graduation and then I will never see him again. I am moving away, he is moving away..so I fucked him off. I don't need him or any other male in my life. I'm good on my own..for now at least.
......................
ED wise...I'm purging every shit I put in my mouth. Idk..nothing really changed..except that things might got worse. But I gained..or lost..I go up and down constantly.
........................
School started..that means even less time. Ugh.
.......................
Yaay, I have new followers. I will use this post to say hi to everyone and that I will catch up with your blogs now. Seriously, I will. :]]]]]]]]]]
But I hope this fuss around school, graduation and prom will soon disappear.
What have I been doing? ..let's see..on Wednesday, grandfather's funeral was held. I didn't cry. I couldn't. My eyes were full of tears only when I saw my father cry, but somehow I managed to keep everything inside. I was better later.
Afternoon, around 06 pm I came home and revised and studied a bit. Then I watched the TV. Before that, I don't remember watching television for a while.
Thursday went OK. I actually took a trip to B. with my mum, in hope to find something for prom. I hate that city. It's too big and gray. I felt dirty and sad.
I did found a dress in ZARA. Ugh..I dislike it but I bought it because I was so sick of looking for something. I have been in couple more cities with bigger malls and clothing stores and somehow I couldn't found anything. I was looking for a plain simple dress, something white or gray or even blue. A combination of all three would be perfect. I even wanted those high waste baggy pants, but the sales lady and mum said it looks horrible on me.
It looked perfect, but the dress I bought was more expensive which automatically made the sales lady say it looks better on me. And mum fell for it. I was angry but after walking and trying on different types of clothing for 5 hours I got pissed, went to the changing room and started crying in all my anger. Then I came out and said I will take it. It's fucking orange. I hate that color. It's disgusting.
I bought shoes, they are nice and comfortable. Brownish/orange. But I can wear them with anything. I thought about buying another pair of shoes, maybe dark blue and a small dark blue hat. That way I could combine them with this dress and would look decent.
Thankfully, the morning ceremony lasts only 3 hours, so after that, I will never wear it again.
As for the night ceremony, I found a picture and decided to take it to a seamstress. It's black, simple cut and short few inches above my knee. I will wear that dress with some funky/colorful dress and purse.
This is the dress:
Then came Saturday. My school organized a trip, and those who went came back home Saturday night, around 10 pm.
I didn't go. Lots of people didn't go. It was impossible to afford 6 days of relaxing and traveling when I had to study and revise. I didn't want to go. It's better (for me at least) to prepare and study. If ( when ;] ) I get into uni, I will travel as much as I can. But, first things first.
Back to the story...
A friend came back, and she and I meat up. She was talking how beautiful everything was and she even mentioned him, he said something irrelevant about me. Nothing bad, but it was nice to know he thought about me.
Then, on Sunday- Labor Day, we had a party. At that friend's place. He was there, I was there..few more friends were there. BUT, we didn't talk..not a word. Apparently, it was my fault.
I was late to the party, I arrived there around 10:30 pm, because before it, I went to my best friend, where she, another friend and I had a small party. Nothing special, casual, coffee, cigarettes, cards and long talks, laughter.
So, I arrived late, last one actually, and I didn't even put my things down when everyone started approaching to say hi. Everyone except him, because he was busy talking with his friend...whom I despise.
I didn't even notice until my friend came up to me and said I didn't say hi to him. She asked him do we talk and he said that he talks with me, but (and I quote) : "...apparently, she's not talking with me again".
And, this may sound stupid, but that pissed me off....
(I never really wrote here anything about him and myself or our relationship (if that can be called that way), so this may sound confusing and childish, but considering everything, that I didn't mentioned here, my reaction was justified.)
....because, once again, it's my fault that we are not talking, it's my fault that all those things happened, that we didn't talked for almost 6 months.
But it's not my fault. Just because I did not notice him, that doesn't mean I'm angry or something. But that's the problem with him. He always thinks I'm angry if I don't answer him or idk..whatever. I don't even get why does he bother when he is not attracted to me. I am the one who likes him, not the other way around.
Also, it's not like we didn't talked at all. We did. I said I hate his new hair cut, but that I love his jumper. We also talked about music a bit. But for the rest of the night I was all around the place with my friends, laughing, drinking and dancing, while he was in another room talking to others. I don't know if he expected that I will be all around him. Also, his friend was there...I can't stand him..so he is also another reason why I didn't talked to him.
I hate that he always tries to make me feel responsable for our relationship. We stopped speaking because of him and his attitude, because of the hings he said about me. ......
aaaaaaaa, never mind. I'm not talking to him again. I have left two more weeks until graduation and then I will never see him again. I am moving away, he is moving away..so I fucked him off. I don't need him or any other male in my life. I'm good on my own..for now at least.
......................
ED wise...I'm purging every shit I put in my mouth. Idk..nothing really changed..except that things might got worse. But I gained..or lost..I go up and down constantly.
........................
School started..that means even less time. Ugh.
.......................
Yaay, I have new followers. I will use this post to say hi to everyone and that I will catch up with your blogs now. Seriously, I will. :]]]]]]]]]]
Monday, April 25, 2011
Finally..
I decided to write something. I haven't blogged in ages, but I do have thing to write about. Usual stuff, but still...it's 09:00 am now, and I will start my writing from the party I went to.
So, on the part, which was held on 16th April, I think, everything was great. Haha, I didn't get so drunk but I had fun. Probably because everything was great with him. We talked and cuddled :] And he started everything, which is even better, since I said I don't want to start anything. I promised myself I show him how I don't care anymore..well, I failed in that after that night, but..ah well, who cares? The best part about that is that he wasn't drunk at all.
The next week, passed well. Lot of studying and revising, but hopefully that will pass too..soon, since in a few weeks I'm finishing school. My breaks started last friday, and I still don't have enough time for blogging and PT. Anyways, again about him. I thought that we won't even talk that week, since, it's how we function. We do something like that on the part, and don't talk for ages after it...ignoring each other and stuff. But, we talked. He is all around me again - talking and touching my hair, smiling, he even invited me to see his play that he prepared.
Since the breaks started and last for 12 days, I won't be seeing him..which is great. I will distant from him and don't get my hopes up as I always do.
I guy from my class hugged me, and said that each time he hugs me, I get smaller and thinner..ah, well guess what Sherlock, I gained...again -.-
My grandfather died this Saturday, so we haven't had a proper Ester. I'm said, but he was too sick..it's better for him. I cried just a bit...the funeral is held on Wednesday.
Also, I'll catch up with everyone's blog as soon as possible..probably later today.
So, on the part, which was held on 16th April, I think, everything was great. Haha, I didn't get so drunk but I had fun. Probably because everything was great with him. We talked and cuddled :] And he started everything, which is even better, since I said I don't want to start anything. I promised myself I show him how I don't care anymore..well, I failed in that after that night, but..ah well, who cares? The best part about that is that he wasn't drunk at all.
The next week, passed well. Lot of studying and revising, but hopefully that will pass too..soon, since in a few weeks I'm finishing school. My breaks started last friday, and I still don't have enough time for blogging and PT. Anyways, again about him. I thought that we won't even talk that week, since, it's how we function. We do something like that on the part, and don't talk for ages after it...ignoring each other and stuff. But, we talked. He is all around me again - talking and touching my hair, smiling, he even invited me to see his play that he prepared.
Since the breaks started and last for 12 days, I won't be seeing him..which is great. I will distant from him and don't get my hopes up as I always do.
I guy from my class hugged me, and said that each time he hugs me, I get smaller and thinner..ah, well guess what Sherlock, I gained...again -.-
My grandfather died this Saturday, so we haven't had a proper Ester. I'm said, but he was too sick..it's better for him. I cried just a bit...the funeral is held on Wednesday.
Also, I'll catch up with everyone's blog as soon as possible..probably later today.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
First, thank you guys for all your comments. They really mean to me, a lot :]
You are always nice and kind. :]]]
I couldn't blog or log on PT in days..since..Thursday I think..
Next Friday our spring break, or however is called, starts. I'm so happy. Of course, I won't have a lot of free time, but it will still be a lot more then now.
I think I will explode. My head is full of informations, whether it's biology, history, chemistry, sociology...or any other subject. It's hard to manage everything in time..but the good thing is, I got so tired and I slept..it's mostly 3 hours of sleep, but that's enough for me to function properly.
The pressure is major, and I'm panicking. If I don't get into university...my whole world will fall apart.
But, let's not think so negatively.
There are a lot of positive things going around, and one of them is Lily's decision to get fully recovered. Unfortunately, I found it out only today, but I'm happy for you Lily.
You have to do that, and you will...you will beat this crap fearlessly just as you are.
I love you lots :]]]
On the other hand, Shannice - I haven't heard form you in a while, and I'm worried about you. I miss you a lot, and I hope we'll talk soon. Please be ok, and stay safe, ok? :]
Oh..as for myself..I hate being in the middle, and I am..right now.
Both of my friends are fighting, a lot..they had a major argue, and I don't want to chose between them. But, I'm afraid I will have to.
I want to be friends with both of them, to live with them..and they don't want to talk about it. They are both stubborn..ugh..and that stresses me a lot.
And my classmates are in a panic too..loool, we are all going through some major crash down (can I say it like that?)
Haha, I never knew that a classroom can be a battlefield..which is now.
As for my ED..idk..I'm losing then gaining again..purging, exercising, restricting...same old same old.
p.s. I'm going to a birthday party tonight, so..partaaay xD
You are always nice and kind. :]]]
I couldn't blog or log on PT in days..since..Thursday I think..
Next Friday our spring break, or however is called, starts. I'm so happy. Of course, I won't have a lot of free time, but it will still be a lot more then now.
I think I will explode. My head is full of informations, whether it's biology, history, chemistry, sociology...or any other subject. It's hard to manage everything in time..but the good thing is, I got so tired and I slept..it's mostly 3 hours of sleep, but that's enough for me to function properly.
The pressure is major, and I'm panicking. If I don't get into university...my whole world will fall apart.
But, let's not think so negatively.
There are a lot of positive things going around, and one of them is Lily's decision to get fully recovered. Unfortunately, I found it out only today, but I'm happy for you Lily.
You have to do that, and you will...you will beat this crap fearlessly just as you are.
I love you lots :]]]
On the other hand, Shannice - I haven't heard form you in a while, and I'm worried about you. I miss you a lot, and I hope we'll talk soon. Please be ok, and stay safe, ok? :]
Oh..as for myself..I hate being in the middle, and I am..right now.
Both of my friends are fighting, a lot..they had a major argue, and I don't want to chose between them. But, I'm afraid I will have to.
I want to be friends with both of them, to live with them..and they don't want to talk about it. They are both stubborn..ugh..and that stresses me a lot.
And my classmates are in a panic too..loool, we are all going through some major crash down (can I say it like that?)
Haha, I never knew that a classroom can be a battlefield..which is now.
As for my ED..idk..I'm losing then gaining again..purging, exercising, restricting...same old same old.
p.s. I'm going to a birthday party tonight, so..partaaay xD
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
..my day was alright, until I logged on PT.
asdfghkjfkbskjbflks -.-
On a thread about safe foods, I posted a list and mentioned cotton balls. Yes, I do eat cotton balls. Not so often as before, but I do eat them. Asking me and wondering why do I do that pisses me of.
The thing is...I'm not stupid, I know what can cotton balls do to my intestines. But I eat them.
I also know what laxatives do..and I use them.
Maybe I'll stay away from PT for a while ...
asdfghkjfkbskjbflks -.-
On a thread about safe foods, I posted a list and mentioned cotton balls. Yes, I do eat cotton balls. Not so often as before, but I do eat them. Asking me and wondering why do I do that pisses me of.
The thing is...I'm not stupid, I know what can cotton balls do to my intestines. But I eat them.
I also know what laxatives do..and I use them.
Maybe I'll stay away from PT for a while ...
Sunday, April 10, 2011
..I haven't logged in a while..two days or so. Not much happened..just studying.
And I took a trip yesterday. Haha, it was great, I love traveling. Then I got home, and went out with a friend, for a casual talk and coffee.
I almost got raped..yeah..I always almost get raped. Ugh..I'm fine now..as always.
Anyways, after it, I got home and just sat down, in my room. I was shaking, my heart was pounding...I was sitting in silence maybe for an hour..I haven't slept that night.
It's my fault though..I should have taken a taxi. I'm afraid to walk that street again, by myself. I cannot. I won't..
But I'm fine now, no worries :]
Shannice and nymph - thanks, you guys are sweet :]
And I took a trip yesterday. Haha, it was great, I love traveling. Then I got home, and went out with a friend, for a casual talk and coffee.
I almost got raped..yeah..I always almost get raped. Ugh..I'm fine now..as always.
Anyways, after it, I got home and just sat down, in my room. I was shaking, my heart was pounding...I was sitting in silence maybe for an hour..I haven't slept that night.
It's my fault though..I should have taken a taxi. I'm afraid to walk that street again, by myself. I cannot. I won't..
But I'm fine now, no worries :]
Shannice and nymph - thanks, you guys are sweet :]
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
I've got off the phone, moments ago.
It was one of my best friends...I know he cares, a lot..honestly, we both care for each other a lot more then "just friends"...but..
...I slapped the phone..ugh..it was one of those "you are destroying yourself" talks, and I can't bare them anymore. It's the third conversation about stuff like that in two weeks. (no, he does not know about the ED)
Thinking about it, he has a good point, I know..but, it's just when someone constantly preaches about things you already know.
I took drugs again. He doesn't know. If he finds out..well, things will end.
It was one of my best friends...I know he cares, a lot..honestly, we both care for each other a lot more then "just friends"...but..
...I slapped the phone..ugh..it was one of those "you are destroying yourself" talks, and I can't bare them anymore. It's the third conversation about stuff like that in two weeks. (no, he does not know about the ED)
Thinking about it, he has a good point, I know..but, it's just when someone constantly preaches about things you already know.
I took drugs again. He doesn't know. If he finds out..well, things will end.
Jaques Prevert - This love
(the song I was writing about in my previous post)
This love
So violent
So fragile
So tender
So hopeless
This love
As beautiful as the day
And as wretched as the weather
When the weather is wretched
This love
So real
This love
So beautiful
So happy
So joyous
And so ridiculous
Trembling with fear
Like a child in the dark
And so sure of itself
Like a tranquil man in the quiet of the night
This love
Which made others afraid
Which made them gossip
Which drained the color from their cheeks
This love
Watched for
Because we watched for them
Snared, wounded, trampled, finished, denied, forgotten
Because we snared, wounded, trampled, finished, denied, forgot it
This love
Entire
Still so alive
Shining
This is yours
This is mine
This love
Which is always new
And which never changes
Real like a plant
Quivering like a bird
Warm and as alive as the summer
We can both
Go and come back
We can forget
And fall asleep
And wake up
To suffer old age
Fall asleep again
To dream to death
Awake
To smile and laugh
Young again
Our love endures
Obstinate as a mule
As alive as the desire
As cruel as the memory
As stupid as the regret
As tender as the memory
As cold as marble
As beautiful as the day
As delicate as an infant
It watches us
Smiling
And speaks to us
Without saying a word
And I
I listen to it
Trembling
And I cry
I cry for you
I cry for myself
And I beg you
For yourself
For me
And for all those who love
And who are loved
Yes
I cry to it
For you
For me
And for all the others
I do not know
Stay there
There where you are
There where you were before
Stay there
Don't move
Don't go away
We who are loved
We have forgotten you
Do not forget us
We had only you on this earth
Do not let us grow cold
Further and further away every day
It doesn't matter where
Give us a sign of life
In a nook in the woods
In the forest of memory
Suddenly arise
Take us by the hand
And save us
I love stars :]
..and fuck love. Pfft..it doesn't even exist (thought this constatation hasn't stopped me in listening love songs the entire day).
I hate you.
.................
On another note..I've got my pictures...disgusting. I cried a lot because of them. I decided not to put my picture in the yearbook. I don't care.
Those pictures shall be burnt.
...........
Lassie - Ha! Let's kick their buts ;D Love you lots hun' :] xxx
..................
Btw, there was a thread on PT about poems..I'll post here one of my favorites.
warning: it will be long. But, worth of reading :]
I hate you.
.................
On another note..I've got my pictures...disgusting. I cried a lot because of them. I decided not to put my picture in the yearbook. I don't care.
Those pictures shall be burnt.
...........
Lassie - Ha! Let's kick their buts ;D Love you lots hun' :] xxx
..................
Btw, there was a thread on PT about poems..I'll post here one of my favorites.
warning: it will be long. But, worth of reading :]
Monday, April 4, 2011
Lily, you are going tomorrow. Well, I will miss you..a lot. BUT, I hope you have a great time, enjoy every day spent there and take lots of pictures. Italy is wonderful. ..oh, and tell Ignorant I said hi :D
As for myself and what have I been doing these past few days..I'll write about it tomorrow. Oh, I'll get my pictures tomorrow too. I have been preparing myself for crying and feeling like shit over them..ah well..
As for myself and what have I been doing these past few days..I'll write about it tomorrow. Oh, I'll get my pictures tomorrow too. I have been preparing myself for crying and feeling like shit over them..ah well..
Thursday, March 31, 2011
First of - Lassie :]]]] Thank you. I hope you are ok, and that things are getting better. I'll catch up on your (and every other) blog soon. I miss your posts on PT :] xx
Appendix - Haha, I will ;D ..and thank you lovely, you made me smile :] xx
...a girl who used to go to my class came yesterday..
I just don't get it, why is everyone getting so excited over her?
lol..I'm not being negative, I just used to be friends with her for enough time to realize what she's like..she never betrayed me. I just dislike persons who think to high of themselves.
Anyways it's 11:08 pm now. I should sleep tonight, yearbook photographing is tomorrow. I'm scared...my face is oval, but in a weird way, cheeks are puffed...huge is a better word.
What if I get ugly on every single picture? Or fat?
....
I'll be both.
Anyways, I have dyed my hair today, finally. And cut a bit of it. Not it's a bit above my elbows. And it's pretty..haha, have I mentioned how I love my hair? It is shiny and straight, berry scented and long.
Actually, my hair is the only thing that is pretty on me.
After the hairdressers, I went to a cosmetics shop and bought a face powder and a box of those face wax things.
Later, I went to another shop that has all sorts of jewelry, and I bought two bracelets. They are both beaded (the beads are crystal/plastic made) and one is black while the other is whitish or something.
Ah, it's kinda late..I have to wake up tomorrow early, for school.
Then after school, I'm going to the dentist.
A friend will be waiting for me at her house, we are getting ready and of to the photo shoot.
Before all this, I have to study. So I will do that now.
I'm tired and feel like crap. I'll end up looking like crap on that picture too.
another note: I purge a lot lately. I have decided to stop purging for a while. I'll be fasting as of tomorrow, until the 21st of May.
Appendix - Haha, I will ;D ..and thank you lovely, you made me smile :] xx
...a girl who used to go to my class came yesterday..
I just don't get it, why is everyone getting so excited over her?
lol..I'm not being negative, I just used to be friends with her for enough time to realize what she's like..she never betrayed me. I just dislike persons who think to high of themselves.
Anyways it's 11:08 pm now. I should sleep tonight, yearbook photographing is tomorrow. I'm scared...my face is oval, but in a weird way, cheeks are puffed...huge is a better word.
What if I get ugly on every single picture? Or fat?
....
I'll be both.
Anyways, I have dyed my hair today, finally. And cut a bit of it. Not it's a bit above my elbows. And it's pretty..haha, have I mentioned how I love my hair? It is shiny and straight, berry scented and long.
Actually, my hair is the only thing that is pretty on me.
After the hairdressers, I went to a cosmetics shop and bought a face powder and a box of those face wax things.
Later, I went to another shop that has all sorts of jewelry, and I bought two bracelets. They are both beaded (the beads are crystal/plastic made) and one is black while the other is whitish or something.
Ah, it's kinda late..I have to wake up tomorrow early, for school.
Then after school, I'm going to the dentist.
A friend will be waiting for me at her house, we are getting ready and of to the photo shoot.
Before all this, I have to study. So I will do that now.
I'm tired and feel like crap. I'll end up looking like crap on that picture too.
another note: I purge a lot lately. I have decided to stop purging for a while. I'll be fasting as of tomorrow, until the 21st of May.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
..hkakjgdh;kg;shl'...I'm a bit angry now.
It annoys me when I say something and no one gets me seriously. Why do you ask then? Especially when I'm telling the truth..no, not the truth, the facts
Ah, this is what I hate about myself..I'm a bad tempered person, and get annoyed very fast..but even faster I forget about it. :]
It's 9:34 pm now, and I have been reading about Nietzsche all day. And finished the essay I had for native.
I still have to do my English and philosophy..
I wasted my day, which means it will be an all-nighter..and I go to school at 7:30 am..oopsie :]
It annoys me when I say something and no one gets me seriously. Why do you ask then? Especially when I'm telling the truth..no, not the truth, the facts
Ah, this is what I hate about myself..I'm a bad tempered person, and get annoyed very fast..but even faster I forget about it. :]
It's 9:34 pm now, and I have been reading about Nietzsche all day. And finished the essay I had for native.
I still have to do my English and philosophy..
I wasted my day, which means it will be an all-nighter..and I go to school at 7:30 am..oopsie :]
5:57 pm- I'm sitting on my bed, drinking hot turkish coffee with wee bit of cinnamon.
My hair is wet..I just washed it, and I'm enjoying the scent of it - acai and blue berries.
As usual, I haven't posted in few days. I couldn't, my studies are just piling up and I sleep less and less every day. But I have to work..hard. If I don't, I can say "Goodbye" to my future life.
...and I'm not that kind of a person. I want to have a future, a career, and maybe someday I change my mind and decide to have a family.
(*..end of rambling* - I think spring mood is finally hitting me in the head)
Anyways, my days were fine. My grades are getting up and I have to fix them as soon as possible...we have left only 33 days until graduation. And then, the real panic and stress start.
Oh, and proooom. Everybody is talking about dresses and pictures and music and bla blaa...people, it's only one night.
So, I've got an A in native yesterday and in constitution and civil rights today. I'll probably get one form sociology too, even though I studied a lot.
Haha, the irony is, that I was the only one who didn't cheated (which is quite unusual, since when I don't know something, I always cheat, with my special techniques)
I don't want to brag, but sociology is a subject in which I rock. So, I didn't study anything, but still wrote my exam, and I think it's good.
Plus, there is 19 of us in the class..on the exam, there was only 9 of us..the rest skipped.
I happy you know? ..oh, and it has to do with school again. Haha my life is based on school.
So, we did Schopenhauer last philosophy lesson, and Nietzsche is next. :]
I can't wait..I will do a bit of research on his biography, and will talk about him and his book tomorrow. I don't care..if this is the way of getting an A, then I'll do it like this.
It's something I like, something I know, so I don't care if somebody will think I'm bragging around and trying to be smarter (..though I am a lot more smarter then more then a half of my class)
I will try to make a mermaid hair now.
And I'm stressed out a bit, I have to find something nice to wear for our tableau pictures..ugh :/
On the negative side - I have purged a lot in these past few days. At least 5 times a day.
I'll be fine, right? :]
My hair is wet..I just washed it, and I'm enjoying the scent of it - acai and blue berries.
As usual, I haven't posted in few days. I couldn't, my studies are just piling up and I sleep less and less every day. But I have to work..hard. If I don't, I can say "Goodbye" to my future life.
...and I'm not that kind of a person. I want to have a future, a career, and maybe someday I change my mind and decide to have a family.
(*..end of rambling* - I think spring mood is finally hitting me in the head)
Anyways, my days were fine. My grades are getting up and I have to fix them as soon as possible...we have left only 33 days until graduation. And then, the real panic and stress start.
Oh, and proooom. Everybody is talking about dresses and pictures and music and bla blaa...people, it's only one night.
So, I've got an A in native yesterday and in constitution and civil rights today. I'll probably get one form sociology too, even though I studied a lot.
Haha, the irony is, that I was the only one who didn't cheated (which is quite unusual, since when I don't know something, I always cheat, with my special techniques)
I don't want to brag, but sociology is a subject in which I rock. So, I didn't study anything, but still wrote my exam, and I think it's good.
Plus, there is 19 of us in the class..on the exam, there was only 9 of us..the rest skipped.
I happy you know? ..oh, and it has to do with school again. Haha my life is based on school.
So, we did Schopenhauer last philosophy lesson, and Nietzsche is next. :]
I can't wait..I will do a bit of research on his biography, and will talk about him and his book tomorrow. I don't care..if this is the way of getting an A, then I'll do it like this.
It's something I like, something I know, so I don't care if somebody will think I'm bragging around and trying to be smarter (..though I am a lot more smarter then more then a half of my class)
I will try to make a mermaid hair now.
And I'm stressed out a bit, I have to find something nice to wear for our tableau pictures..ugh :/
On the negative side - I have purged a lot in these past few days. At least 5 times a day.
I'll be fine, right? :]
Thursday, March 24, 2011
20:25 pm .
I got home from school maybe hour or two ago. It was a shitty day, lol.
At 8:30 am I had to go to my dentist, which means my other wisdom tooth is fixed. Wiiii :] And surprisingly, my teeth are healthy. He (dentist) said that they are pretty much white and healthy, but I have to come again next week, so he could take of the little dental tartar I have.
But, that's great, since on the same day I have my yearbook photo-shoot. Naah, at least I'll have pretty teeth on that picture.
10:23 (or something) am - maths tutor class. I had to go and try to learn something, since today I had a written task and had no clue about it. I finished around 13:00 pm, and still had no knowledge about it. So I copied the task..I'm hoping to get a C, which would be perfect :]
School - I had a fight with a girl from my class. Oh, she gets on my nerves (not actually, she just pissed me off today, we're cool..).
Anyways, every year, seniors (graduates..however we're called) on the last day of the school year have a celebration.
My school is known for having the best "last day graduates" parties. Gypsy trumpeters come and play in the school yard. After that graduates and trumpeters walk the busiest streets and the city center, and it ends with the traditional graduates fountain bathing. All of them have special t-shirts with quotes or something that represents their class.
So, we were discussing what color should our shirts be, and some of us said blue, black or purple, while others (including her) said red. Which would be ugly, and I said that. Everybody hates red, even she, but hey, the point is to be noticed. Well, I don't want to be noticed.
So we had a discussion and I ended up yelling at her...oopsie :] I said that there is no point of asking others which color they prefer when in the end, it'll end up like she wants. And then the sociology teacher came and asked why are we all fighting, and the ignorant said: "It was just a discussion and she (pointing at me) got hysterical"
I got pissed even more so I yelled again that I'm not being hysterical, only rational, and that if she ever again mentions my name in a wrong context, I will slap her. ..lol
Hahaahm her face was hilarious. After, M and I laughed so much.
Oh yeah, M and I are good again. But I chose not to trust her anymore, or to talk with her as I used to. I got hurt once and forgave her. Now, I still forgive her..but I never forgot how she acted, so I chose to be smarter :]
I got a C in physics. Lol..that's great. I listened to music on the rest of my classes and thought I'll fell asleep.
It's 20:35 pm..I should exercise and then study..and finish my art work.
btw, I've got my blood test results..I'm fucked. lol.
I got home from school maybe hour or two ago. It was a shitty day, lol.
At 8:30 am I had to go to my dentist, which means my other wisdom tooth is fixed. Wiiii :] And surprisingly, my teeth are healthy. He (dentist) said that they are pretty much white and healthy, but I have to come again next week, so he could take of the little dental tartar I have.
But, that's great, since on the same day I have my yearbook photo-shoot. Naah, at least I'll have pretty teeth on that picture.
10:23 (or something) am - maths tutor class. I had to go and try to learn something, since today I had a written task and had no clue about it. I finished around 13:00 pm, and still had no knowledge about it. So I copied the task..I'm hoping to get a C, which would be perfect :]
School - I had a fight with a girl from my class. Oh, she gets on my nerves (not actually, she just pissed me off today, we're cool..).
Anyways, every year, seniors (graduates..however we're called) on the last day of the school year have a celebration.
My school is known for having the best "last day graduates" parties. Gypsy trumpeters come and play in the school yard. After that graduates and trumpeters walk the busiest streets and the city center, and it ends with the traditional graduates fountain bathing. All of them have special t-shirts with quotes or something that represents their class.
So, we were discussing what color should our shirts be, and some of us said blue, black or purple, while others (including her) said red. Which would be ugly, and I said that. Everybody hates red, even she, but hey, the point is to be noticed. Well, I don't want to be noticed.
So we had a discussion and I ended up yelling at her...oopsie :] I said that there is no point of asking others which color they prefer when in the end, it'll end up like she wants. And then the sociology teacher came and asked why are we all fighting, and the ignorant said: "It was just a discussion and she (pointing at me) got hysterical"
I got pissed even more so I yelled again that I'm not being hysterical, only rational, and that if she ever again mentions my name in a wrong context, I will slap her. ..lol
Hahaahm her face was hilarious. After, M and I laughed so much.
Oh yeah, M and I are good again. But I chose not to trust her anymore, or to talk with her as I used to. I got hurt once and forgave her. Now, I still forgive her..but I never forgot how she acted, so I chose to be smarter :]
I got a C in physics. Lol..that's great. I listened to music on the rest of my classes and thought I'll fell asleep.
It's 20:35 pm..I should exercise and then study..and finish my art work.
btw, I've got my blood test results..I'm fucked. lol.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
It's 1:35 am now, and I just finished purging.
I'm in pain. My heart is pounding fast, my migraines are getting worse and even that tiny bit of food that stays in, hurts. I can feel it move through my digestive tract.
rocks...that's how it feels. Small rocks that are making their way through. ...and I smell of vomit. -.-
Other then this, my life has turned into nothing more then studying.
wake up.
eat.
purge.
school.
binge.
purge.
sleep.
Only studying bothers me, other then that, everything is fine in school. I'm studying so much, and still manage to suck in school. Low concentration I guess, so I bought some concentration pills and drink coffee all the time.
I slept last night. After 4 days. Finally. And, I will tonight, after I finish writing this.
I feel a bit bad. There is no enough time to reply on all the comments on PT, or even to write here something (not that I have to write something special, but still).
Lily, if you're reading this, I will reply our fb message tomorrow, after school.
Oh, speaking of tomorrow, I have to go to the dentist in the morning. Ugh...fixing my other wisdom tooth. lol, many would be afraid of their dentist seeing rotten tooth from acid.
Haha, I'm more scared that he'll realize I'm a smoker. lol.
.......anyways, after that, I'm going to my maths tutor lesson. Oh god, another maths exam..I have to get a C or something higher, since I already have F..
..speaking of grades, I got an A on my philosophy oral exam..wahheey me! (after studying it for maximum 20 minutes..it was easy I guess).
FINALLY. after so many months, we are speaking again. I missed his smile and look and the way he touches his hair. lol, I sound like one of those horny "in love" 12 year olds..but I'm not.
I'm a very mature and intelligent adult who happens to be in love (..never been loved back though)
..I almost took c yesterday. Maybe I will again, someday soon. I miss the feeling. Or not..it's bad..I haven't had it for a year now..not that I had some sort of an addiction, I just stopped using it. ugh..idk.
I'm proud of Shannice too..6 days without binging, woohoo ;]
I'm in pain. My heart is pounding fast, my migraines are getting worse and even that tiny bit of food that stays in, hurts. I can feel it move through my digestive tract.
rocks...that's how it feels. Small rocks that are making their way through. ...and I smell of vomit. -.-
Other then this, my life has turned into nothing more then studying.
wake up.
eat.
purge.
school.
binge.
purge.
sleep.
Only studying bothers me, other then that, everything is fine in school. I'm studying so much, and still manage to suck in school. Low concentration I guess, so I bought some concentration pills and drink coffee all the time.
I slept last night. After 4 days. Finally. And, I will tonight, after I finish writing this.
I feel a bit bad. There is no enough time to reply on all the comments on PT, or even to write here something (not that I have to write something special, but still).
Lily, if you're reading this, I will reply our fb message tomorrow, after school.
Oh, speaking of tomorrow, I have to go to the dentist in the morning. Ugh...fixing my other wisdom tooth. lol, many would be afraid of their dentist seeing rotten tooth from acid.
Haha, I'm more scared that he'll realize I'm a smoker. lol.
.......anyways, after that, I'm going to my maths tutor lesson. Oh god, another maths exam..I have to get a C or something higher, since I already have F..
..speaking of grades, I got an A on my philosophy oral exam..wahheey me! (after studying it for maximum 20 minutes..it was easy I guess).
FINALLY. after so many months, we are speaking again. I missed his smile and look and the way he touches his hair. lol, I sound like one of those horny "in love" 12 year olds..but I'm not.
I'm a very mature and intelligent adult who happens to be in love (..never been loved back though)
..I almost took c yesterday. Maybe I will again, someday soon. I miss the feeling. Or not..it's bad..I haven't had it for a year now..not that I had some sort of an addiction, I just stopped using it. ugh..idk.
I'm proud of Shannice too..6 days without binging, woohoo ;]
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
To a friend of mine...
...It's interesting how easy it gets to forget who betrayed you once, yet, it's so hard to remember who was beside you in the saddest, most difficult and prettiest moments in life.
But I have learnt my mistake two years ago. I'm not stupid nor a doormat to be treated like this.
So, good luck with your life sweetie, and leave me alone.
Lots of love.
But I have learnt my mistake two years ago. I'm not stupid nor a doormat to be treated like this.
So, good luck with your life sweetie, and leave me alone.
Lots of love.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
I have fixed my wisdom tooth. Yes, finally. After 2 nights of crying, screaming and being on sleeping pills and pain killers. ...The other one is yet to fix, but all in time. Surprisingly, the dentist said that I do have a bit weak teeth because of the acid, but they are still pretty and basically healthy. Ha, score! At least, something pretty on me. :]
I had a huge fight with my parents three hours ago, about my disorder of course. I just hate how they don't care for a while, and then turn all lunatic and scream and yell. I don't care, what angers me most actually, is that mum had her own problems too. Someone should expect that she would be the first one to understand. ...never mind.
I have been stressing out about a friend lately too. She is just annoying, asking about tips, calorie amounts and exercising, and when I told her that she looks like shit and that I really am worried about her health, she blew me off.
She said "You are the last one to talk" ...lol..well, that's a last I'm helping her. I don't have the time, nor nerves nor health to worry about a stubborn bitch who cannot appreciate my help and who will blew me off every time I try to warn her.
Lol, I sound like a heartless idk what. But hey, it's life. I don't need her around to make me feel even worse, to make me fall even deeper.
I'm sorry, but I think that sometimes we should all think about our butts first, and then others.
Shannice, if you read this: I love you. Non of those words were true. If I ever come to England, that someone should beware. Haha :] Just please, remember that there are loads of us who love and care about you, who know that that is not true. I love you massively and I miss you. <3
I had a huge fight with my parents three hours ago, about my disorder of course. I just hate how they don't care for a while, and then turn all lunatic and scream and yell. I don't care, what angers me most actually, is that mum had her own problems too. Someone should expect that she would be the first one to understand. ...never mind.
I have been stressing out about a friend lately too. She is just annoying, asking about tips, calorie amounts and exercising, and when I told her that she looks like shit and that I really am worried about her health, she blew me off.
She said "You are the last one to talk" ...lol..well, that's a last I'm helping her. I don't have the time, nor nerves nor health to worry about a stubborn bitch who cannot appreciate my help and who will blew me off every time I try to warn her.
Lol, I sound like a heartless idk what. But hey, it's life. I don't need her around to make me feel even worse, to make me fall even deeper.
I'm sorry, but I think that sometimes we should all think about our butts first, and then others.
Shannice, if you read this: I love you. Non of those words were true. If I ever come to England, that someone should beware. Haha :] Just please, remember that there are loads of us who love and care about you, who know that that is not true. I love you massively and I miss you. <3
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.
I don't want to go to school. Everyone will see how fat I am.
fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.
..my thighs are huge. I was wondering. It would be nice if I could die now. I wouldn't have to worry about me being fat anymore.
The coffin would break. No, I cannot die. That would be embarrassing. I shall continue living like this.
fat.fat.fat...
Shannice- Hah, yeah I was mad when while writing that. But I'm fine now :]
I don't want to go to school. Everyone will see how fat I am.
fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.
..my thighs are huge. I was wondering. It would be nice if I could die now. I wouldn't have to worry about me being fat anymore.
The coffin would break. No, I cannot die. That would be embarrassing. I shall continue living like this.
fat.fat.fat...
Shannice- Hah, yeah I was mad when while writing that. But I'm fine now :]
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
idiots.
I am so pissed off right now.
I hate ignorant people acting all smart more then I hate ignorance itself.
For fuck sake if your friend had to go to IP, even though her height and weight weren't THAT much low, that doesn't mean that she's a fake.
You are higher and had a lower weight and been only to OP? Well I have a piece of information for you.
Every body works differently. And THIS is not a competition. I am sick,you are sick, she is sick. We are all sick, why is so important for you to be sickER?
Her body probably went to survival mode, and her doctors probably concluded that the best treatment for her IS IP.
I am 5'4" and was 84lbs when I had to go to IP.
Am I a bloody fake?
Oh, pardon me, I am...never mind my three suicide attempt, my eating disorder that has been going on for 8 years now. If a fucking paper is what you need, and if I have to show you a fucking paper just so that I would prove to YOU that I am not faking any of it...well guess what? I HAVE THAT PAPER.
I want to punch somebody in the face...asfdgsghajkhykja.
I don't even know why these things affect me so much. At least I can continue live in piece now.
Hah, and yeah...a little voice in my head was shouting while writing this.
I hate ignorant people acting all smart more then I hate ignorance itself.
For fuck sake if your friend had to go to IP, even though her height and weight weren't THAT much low, that doesn't mean that she's a fake.
You are higher and had a lower weight and been only to OP? Well I have a piece of information for you.
Every body works differently. And THIS is not a competition. I am sick,you are sick, she is sick. We are all sick, why is so important for you to be sickER?
Her body probably went to survival mode, and her doctors probably concluded that the best treatment for her IS IP.
I am 5'4" and was 84lbs when I had to go to IP.
Am I a bloody fake?
Oh, pardon me, I am...never mind my three suicide attempt, my eating disorder that has been going on for 8 years now. If a fucking paper is what you need, and if I have to show you a fucking paper just so that I would prove to YOU that I am not faking any of it...well guess what? I HAVE THAT PAPER.
I want to punch somebody in the face...asfdgsghajkhykja.
I don't even know why these things affect me so much. At least I can continue live in piece now.
Hah, and yeah...a little voice in my head was shouting while writing this.
You clearly are my friend. Future roommates.
Is it my fault that I hardly trust anyone? I'm just afraid that I'll get hurt over and over again.
I love talking to you, how we understand each other, laughing, gossiping, being mean and drunk. You are basically like my sister. But there is that feeling that I still can't trust you completely. I'm afraid...I have never had a friend like you, I have never had a friend so long as you.
What if one day you stab me in my back? ....idk. Stupid paranoia.
Today is good.
I cleaned the kitchen and the living room. Now I will tidy my room, and study then.
Have been on pt the entire morning. I wanted to leave this as an open post, but naah..
Is it my fault that I hardly trust anyone? I'm just afraid that I'll get hurt over and over again.
I love talking to you, how we understand each other, laughing, gossiping, being mean and drunk. You are basically like my sister. But there is that feeling that I still can't trust you completely. I'm afraid...I have never had a friend like you, I have never had a friend so long as you.
What if one day you stab me in my back? ....idk. Stupid paranoia.
Today is good.
I cleaned the kitchen and the living room. Now I will tidy my room, and study then.
Have been on pt the entire morning. I wanted to leave this as an open post, but naah..
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Reality check.
I was getting ready to go out, and looked at myself.
My reflection was disgusting.
There was I, a pale, disgusting skeleton.
I never saw myself like that before. I was thin, bag of skin and bones. No fat, nothing.
I looked away. I feel like a hippo now, but when I look in the mirror, there is no fat.
Is that really how I look? It hurts.
I posted this as a blog entry on PT, but deleted it.
Why would anybody care how I feel or look? There's no need for me to post these thing there.
My reflection was disgusting.
There was I, a pale, disgusting skeleton.
I never saw myself like that before. I was thin, bag of skin and bones. No fat, nothing.
I looked away. I feel like a hippo now, but when I look in the mirror, there is no fat.
Is that really how I look? It hurts.
I posted this as a blog entry on PT, but deleted it.
Why would anybody care how I feel or look? There's no need for me to post these thing there.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
I feel like a baby. Needing food every minute.
Boring day today.
I have to study now...English..and then home reading. Biology. Chemistry. Sociology.
..today's philosophy class was fun. We did John Locke and F. Bacon.
..I ate too much again. Die.
He actually smiled at me today..on history I think..maybe because nobody was looking. Maybe he got bored.
3 pages about the Abraham Lincoln.
As for my friends...I cannot, no, I refuse to think about that.
I hate how she always looks at my legs. Fat, I know.
..never mind..
I'll post someday soon.
Boring day today.
I have to study now...English..and then home reading. Biology. Chemistry. Sociology.
..today's philosophy class was fun. We did John Locke and F. Bacon.
..I ate too much again. Die.
He actually smiled at me today..on history I think..maybe because nobody was looking. Maybe he got bored.
3 pages about the Abraham Lincoln.
As for my friends...I cannot, no, I refuse to think about that.
I hate how she always looks at my legs. Fat, I know.
..never mind..
I'll post someday soon.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
And I changed the design again.
I was reading my older blog posts and had to delete them. That was embarrassing.
....Maybe sometimes is better not to have friends. Then, you don't get hurt. You are alone, you always feel like that, but you get used to it. It becomes an everyday feeling.
But there isn't that risk of being betrayed or laughed at.
I know they talk about me...which makes it even more weird. I also know that they suspect. Great friends, huh?
There is an "end" in every "friend".
Is this our end?
Is it even worth of trying?
...at least they can do is to confront me. I'm paranoid about them though. I have this feeling that they are making up this master plan against me. ...Foolish me...but, what if? Spreading lies, rumors and stuff.
It's not like I have been a saint. It's not like I never talked about them, even just a bit.
This is what I get for trusting people, and letting somebody get too close.
Fuck this.
Telling a secret to someone you know is as foolish as trusting in a stranger.
I was reading my older blog posts and had to delete them. That was embarrassing.
....Maybe sometimes is better not to have friends. Then, you don't get hurt. You are alone, you always feel like that, but you get used to it. It becomes an everyday feeling.
But there isn't that risk of being betrayed or laughed at.
I know they talk about me...which makes it even more weird. I also know that they suspect. Great friends, huh?
There is an "end" in every "friend".
Is this our end?
Is it even worth of trying?
...at least they can do is to confront me. I'm paranoid about them though. I have this feeling that they are making up this master plan against me. ...Foolish me...but, what if? Spreading lies, rumors and stuff.
It's not like I have been a saint. It's not like I never talked about them, even just a bit.
This is what I get for trusting people, and letting somebody get too close.
Fuck this.
Telling a secret to someone you know is as foolish as trusting in a stranger.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
I'm alone in this.
I want to be left alone.
Have I reached the bottom of a 12 year old child who is hiding besides her baggy clothes?
I'm just selfish.
I haven't been doing anything these past 8 days.
I'll continue enjoying my boring life that consist only from partying and alcohol.
I have to stop this.
Take a deep breath L, and start fresh.
You have your dreams to achieve.
...yeah...whatever..
I want to be left alone.
Have I reached the bottom of a 12 year old child who is hiding besides her baggy clothes?
I'm just selfish.
I haven't been doing anything these past 8 days.
I'll continue enjoying my boring life that consist only from partying and alcohol.
I have to stop this.
Take a deep breath L, and start fresh.
You have your dreams to achieve.
...yeah...whatever..
Monday, January 31, 2011
I'm back
Yes, I am..it's not like I went somewhere, but I figured it's about time to write something.
No school...it looks like the school is locked until 7th February, which is great. At least I can continue with my boring life, filled with nothing more then books and studying.
Yesterday, I turned purple. My feet, toes, hands, lips and even my tongue. A girl on PT gave me a link from wikipedia, and it looks like some Rayonado...blah blah phenomenon. I haven't looked that bad, but similar.
This morning I woke up, ran to the bathroom and vomited blood and acid.
Today I had just one double baked slice of bread and two cups of black tea. Other then that, I vomited (not purged, but vomited ) acid three times more.
I'm sick. Cannot get up.
Florence and The Machine made my day :]
No school...it looks like the school is locked until 7th February, which is great. At least I can continue with my boring life, filled with nothing more then books and studying.
Yesterday, I turned purple. My feet, toes, hands, lips and even my tongue. A girl on PT gave me a link from wikipedia, and it looks like some Rayonado...blah blah phenomenon. I haven't looked that bad, but similar.
This morning I woke up, ran to the bathroom and vomited blood and acid.
Today I had just one double baked slice of bread and two cups of black tea. Other then that, I vomited (not purged, but vomited ) acid three times more.
I'm sick. Cannot get up.
Florence and The Machine made my day :]
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
...and you know what?! I fucking hate this designs.
What the fuck was I thinking when putting orange? It is fun?
IDIOT.
I hate orange. I like black. My favorite color. And there is no pretty black design.
And...I hate my sister. I don't know why. I just do. No, I just dislike her. I never loved her.
What the fuck was I thinking when putting orange? It is fun?
IDIOT.
I hate orange. I like black. My favorite color. And there is no pretty black design.
And...I hate my sister. I don't know why. I just do. No, I just dislike her. I never loved her.
I fucking hate everything. Fucking schools started, and I hate it. Already have too much work to do.
One of my class mates said to me: "Omg, I'm on a diet. I have to fucking look like you until prom. You are lucky". Fuck you, you fucking ignorant idiot. I am lucky? How the fuck can I be lucky?
At one moment, I got paranoid. It was a small 5 minute break after philosophy, and everybody had food. A girl that sits with me, offered her coconut/rice cookie. I took two.
Purged, I purged in the school toilette. I'm hideous. I promised myself not to purge in high school, never ever never. And I fucking didn't for 3 and a half years, and now, NOW when I have 4 more months until finishing it I HAD TO??
Then, I got home, around 8 pm. And ate again. The cookie was around 4 pm.
So, for dinner I had a bite of chicken, three bites of potato, broccoli sauce and PIZZA. HOW STUPID I CAN BE?
Purged it.
And I purged again. Just finished few minutes ago. And I purged on lemonade. My chest hurt and burn. My throat is burning. My nose is bleeding.
So, if I'm going through all this shit (not counting my fucked up spine and messed up kidneys with my orange pee), why the hell am I not losing then? Why am I gaining. I gained 3.6 fucking pounds. I'm embarrassed.
....fuck shit. How can I possibly think of recovery? I will shut the fuck up about it. Talking and making plans about How will I feel better is just mean.
I deeply and from all my heart apologize to all of you who are recovering. I am a hypocrite, and someone who is actually trying to recover can be offended by my words. I apologize again.
Oh wow. This is a long post. Oopsie.
One of my class mates said to me: "Omg, I'm on a diet. I have to fucking look like you until prom. You are lucky". Fuck you, you fucking ignorant idiot. I am lucky? How the fuck can I be lucky?
At one moment, I got paranoid. It was a small 5 minute break after philosophy, and everybody had food. A girl that sits with me, offered her coconut/rice cookie. I took two.
Purged, I purged in the school toilette. I'm hideous. I promised myself not to purge in high school, never ever never. And I fucking didn't for 3 and a half years, and now, NOW when I have 4 more months until finishing it I HAD TO??
Then, I got home, around 8 pm. And ate again. The cookie was around 4 pm.
So, for dinner I had a bite of chicken, three bites of potato, broccoli sauce and PIZZA. HOW STUPID I CAN BE?
Purged it.
And I purged again. Just finished few minutes ago. And I purged on lemonade. My chest hurt and burn. My throat is burning. My nose is bleeding.
So, if I'm going through all this shit (not counting my fucked up spine and messed up kidneys with my orange pee), why the hell am I not losing then? Why am I gaining. I gained 3.6 fucking pounds. I'm embarrassed.
....fuck shit. How can I possibly think of recovery? I will shut the fuck up about it. Talking and making plans about How will I feel better is just mean.
I deeply and from all my heart apologize to all of you who are recovering. I am a hypocrite, and someone who is actually trying to recover can be offended by my words. I apologize again.
Oh wow. This is a long post. Oopsie.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
I went shopping for make up. Then to a cafe with my friend. Had a cappuccino and lemonade. Gossiped about him...haha and I enjoyed it. I really had a good time, except that I would like to tell her how bad I am.
And I haven't purged today. So I'm kinda happy, but the thing is I haven't eaten either. I purge after liquids again, but I didn't today, so it's good. :]
I'm reading "Adrian Mole" again. And every time I read it, I enjoy it more. Nothing will ruin this day..well, it is a new day basically, but yeah. I'm going to doctors today. Have to check my eyes.
And I haven't purged today. So I'm kinda happy, but the thing is I haven't eaten either. I purge after liquids again, but I didn't today, so it's good. :]
I'm reading "Adrian Mole" again. And every time I read it, I enjoy it more. Nothing will ruin this day..well, it is a new day basically, but yeah. I'm going to doctors today. Have to check my eyes.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
So...I changed the design. It looks kinda happy, right? :p
And, don't know what to write. I'm numbed, and on my pills again. I'm sick. Tired. I can hardly move, because every bone and every single muscle hurts.
School is starting next week and I'm panicking. I didn't study for school at all, just for my exams, so I'm under a big pressure now, I haven't slept in 4 or 5 days..Actually I had a 45 minutes nap today. So I'm kinda better.
And then, there is this stupid fear that everyone will see how fat I am. I just cannot stop thinking about it.
Yesterday, we had a small reunion, just us girls from the class. It was ok, I don't regret going.
Oh, and I cannot even drink water anymore. I really thought that I can recover, and that after 7 years (well, 8 now), but I guess not. I'm gonna die, and the irony in all this is that I don't even look thin. I look normal and healthy.
..aaand now I'm just rambling stupid things. And wtf? Every sentence starts with "I" . I guess I'll find more time for writing and being online soon.
I feel alone again. Nobody likes me. I guess I am annoying. I don't care.
And, don't know what to write. I'm numbed, and on my pills again. I'm sick. Tired. I can hardly move, because every bone and every single muscle hurts.
School is starting next week and I'm panicking. I didn't study for school at all, just for my exams, so I'm under a big pressure now, I haven't slept in 4 or 5 days..Actually I had a 45 minutes nap today. So I'm kinda better.
And then, there is this stupid fear that everyone will see how fat I am. I just cannot stop thinking about it.
Yesterday, we had a small reunion, just us girls from the class. It was ok, I don't regret going.
Oh, and I cannot even drink water anymore. I really thought that I can recover, and that after 7 years (well, 8 now), but I guess not. I'm gonna die, and the irony in all this is that I don't even look thin. I look normal and healthy.
..aaand now I'm just rambling stupid things. And wtf? Every sentence starts with "I" . I guess I'll find more time for writing and being online soon.
I feel alone again. Nobody likes me. I guess I am annoying. I don't care.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Saturday, January 1, 2011
It has been 3 days since my last post.
So last night I went to a party. Ended up sleeping in a basement.I think I have never been more drunk in my life. There was so much food, different chocolate cakes, and junk food, and loads of other stuff that I cannot even remember. We played karaoke, and I sang. It has been a while since I felt that happy. I really did. I was surrounded with people I love. And then in midnight Mr. I'm too good for you and I kissed. "Women in love" was playing in that moment. I wish we hadn't kissed. My friend (ex friend since last night) kissed him later. And they hooked up. So I got depressed. And even more drunk. Then he had the nerve to yell at me for drinking, for cutting and smoking. So we ended up fighting so much and yelling at each other, because he does all those things to. I got really mad and said something about his ex girlfriend, and then he slapped me. The idiot slapped. And he turned away like nothing happened. He ended up drunk, while I was crying and eating and purging. When I finished my purging, he came up to me, and said - quote: " I know about you being anorexic. Of all the thing you do this is the most disgusting. Do not even try to talk to me ever again".
I drank more and more and more. A friend of mine was running naked down the neighborhood. And Mr. I'm too good for you slept with my friend. I don't know how I ended up sleeping in the basement.
Oh, and he called me today. I answered, and he said he was sorry. I ended the call. He called me 4 more time but I didn't answered it.
So last night I went to a party. Ended up sleeping in a basement.I think I have never been more drunk in my life. There was so much food, different chocolate cakes, and junk food, and loads of other stuff that I cannot even remember. We played karaoke, and I sang. It has been a while since I felt that happy. I really did. I was surrounded with people I love. And then in midnight Mr. I'm too good for you and I kissed. "Women in love" was playing in that moment. I wish we hadn't kissed. My friend (ex friend since last night) kissed him later. And they hooked up. So I got depressed. And even more drunk. Then he had the nerve to yell at me for drinking, for cutting and smoking. So we ended up fighting so much and yelling at each other, because he does all those things to. I got really mad and said something about his ex girlfriend, and then he slapped me. The idiot slapped. And he turned away like nothing happened. He ended up drunk, while I was crying and eating and purging. When I finished my purging, he came up to me, and said - quote: " I know about you being anorexic. Of all the thing you do this is the most disgusting. Do not even try to talk to me ever again".
I drank more and more and more. A friend of mine was running naked down the neighborhood. And Mr. I'm too good for you slept with my friend. I don't know how I ended up sleeping in the basement.
Oh, and he called me today. I answered, and he said he was sorry. I ended the call. He called me 4 more time but I didn't answered it.
...There’s nothing left to try
There’s no place left to hide
There’s no place left to hide
There’s no greater power
Than the power of goodbye...
Than the power of goodbye...
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