I'm back

Yes, I am..it's not like I went somewhere, but I figured it's about time to write something.
No school...it looks like the school is locked until 7th February, which is great. At least I can continue with my boring life, filled with nothing more then books and studying.

Yesterday, I turned purple. My feet, toes, hands, lips and even my tongue. A girl on PT gave me a link from wikipedia, and it looks like some Rayonado...blah blah phenomenon. I haven't looked that bad, but similar.

This morning I woke up, ran to the bathroom and vomited blood and acid.
Today I had just one double baked slice of bread and two cups of black tea. Other then that, I vomited (not purged, but vomited ) acid three times more.

I'm sick. Cannot get up.

Florence and The Machine made my day :]

Off to school. Don't have a clue about that French. Haha

So, I have to go to school in about two hours, and I still don't know the stupid poem.
fuck fuck fuck.
I actually hate every single thing around me, atm. Ugh :/

...seconds ago, I googled "pretty pictures" (I know, I'm a douche) so I could find a display for my blog.
Miley Cyrus popped out. So, she's pretty?
..yeah..ha. ha. ha.

...and you know what?! I fucking hate this designs.
What the fuck was I thinking when putting orange? It is fun?
IDIOT.
I hate orange. I like black. My favorite color. And there is no pretty black design.

And...I hate my sister. I don't know why. I just do. No, I just dislike her. I never loved her.

I fucking hate everything. Fucking schools started, and I hate it. Already have too much work to do.
One of my class mates said to me: "Omg, I'm on a diet. I have to fucking look like you until prom. You are lucky". Fuck you, you fucking ignorant idiot. I am lucky? How the fuck can I be lucky?
At one moment, I got paranoid. It was a small 5 minute break after philosophy, and everybody had food. A girl that sits with me, offered her coconut/rice cookie. I took two.

Purged, I purged in the school toilette.  I'm hideous. I promised myself not to purge in high school, never ever never. And I fucking didn't for 3 and a half years, and now, NOW when I have 4 more months until finishing it I HAD TO??
Then, I got home, around 8 pm. And ate again. The cookie was around 4 pm.
So, for dinner I had a bite of chicken, three bites of potato, broccoli sauce and PIZZA. HOW STUPID I CAN BE?

Purged it.

And I purged again. Just finished few minutes ago. And I purged on lemonade. My chest hurt and burn. My throat is burning. My nose is bleeding.

So, if I'm going through all this shit (not counting my fucked up spine and messed up kidneys with my orange pee), why the hell am I not losing then? Why am I gaining. I gained 3.6 fucking pounds. I'm embarrassed.

....fuck shit. How can I possibly think of recovery? I will shut the fuck up about it. Talking and making plans about How will I feel better is just mean.
I deeply and from all my heart apologize to all of you who are recovering. I am a hypocrite, and someone who is actually trying to recover can be offended by my words. I apologize again.

Oh wow. This is a long post. Oopsie.

I went shopping for make up. Then to a cafe with my friend. Had a cappuccino and lemonade. Gossiped about him...haha and I enjoyed it. I really had a good time, except that I would like to tell her how bad I am.
And I haven't purged today. So I'm kinda happy, but the thing is I haven't eaten either. I purge after liquids again, but I didn't today, so it's good. :]

I'm reading "Adrian Mole" again. And every time I read it, I enjoy it more. Nothing will ruin this day..well, it is a new day basically, but yeah. I'm going to doctors today. Have to check my eyes.

So...I changed the design. It looks kinda happy, right? :p
And, don't know what to write. I'm numbed, and on my pills again. I'm sick. Tired. I can hardly move, because every bone and every single muscle hurts.
School is starting next week and I'm panicking. I didn't study for school at all, just for my exams, so I'm under a big pressure now, I haven't slept in 4 or 5 days..Actually I had a 45 minutes nap today. So I'm kinda better.
And then, there is this stupid fear that everyone will see how fat I am. I just cannot stop thinking about it.
Yesterday, we had a small reunion, just us girls from the class. It was ok, I don't regret going.
Oh, and I cannot even drink water anymore. I really thought that I can recover, and that after 7 years (well, 8 now), but I guess not. I'm gonna die, and the irony in all this is that I don't even look thin. I look normal and healthy.
..aaand now I'm just rambling stupid things. And wtf? Every sentence starts with "I" . I guess I'll find more time for writing and being online soon.
I feel alone again. Nobody likes me. I guess I am annoying. I don't care.

Fuck recovery. I am giving up. And who cares about the stupid resolutions anyways? I am officially dying. And I don't care. I was in hospital today just so I could found out how messed up I am.
I got home. Binged and purged. And guess what? I am purging blood again.
I love my life. x

Oh, yeah, happy new year. I'm gonna post my New Years Resolution list later :]

It has been 3 days since my last post.
So last night I went to a party. Ended up sleeping in a basement.I think I have never been more drunk in my life. There was so much food, different chocolate cakes, and junk food, and loads of other stuff that I cannot even remember. We played karaoke, and I sang. It has been a while since I felt that happy. I really did. I was surrounded with people I love. And then in midnight Mr. I'm too good for you and I kissed. "Women in love" was playing in that moment. I wish we hadn't kissed. My friend (ex friend since last night) kissed him later. And they hooked up. So I got depressed. And even more drunk. Then he had the nerve to yell at me for drinking, for cutting and smoking. So we ended up fighting so much and yelling at each other, because he does all those things to. I got really mad and said something about his ex girlfriend, and then he slapped me. The idiot slapped. And he turned away like nothing happened. He ended up drunk, while I was crying and eating and purging. When I finished my purging, he came up to me, and said - quote: " I know about you being anorexic. Of all the thing you do this is the most disgusting. Do not even try to talk to me ever again".
I drank more and more and more. A friend of mine was running naked down the neighborhood. And Mr. I'm too good for you slept with my friend. I don't know how I ended up sleeping in the basement.
Oh, and he called me today. I answered, and he said he was sorry. I ended the call. He called me 4 more time but I didn't answered it.

...There’s nothing left to try
There’s no place left to hide  

There’s no greater power
Than the power of goodbye...